Why does trying harder to control your life often make you more anxious?
We try to control our careers, wealth, relationships, bodies, and even how other people see us. Yet one of the deepest sources of suffering is this: the more desperately you try to hold on to things that are constantly changing, the more those things begin to control you.
The Buddha looked at this problem from a deeper perspective.
He placed the change, loss, and uncertainty we experience every day within a larger truth about life itself—impermanence.
This is also one of the questions I explore in The Legendary Life of Shakyamuni Buddha: A Psychotherapist’s Journey Through the Life of the Buddha:
How can we understand change, loss, suffering, and the self deeply enough to finally loosen our grip on the need to control life?
If you would like to walk more deeply through the life of Siddhartha Gautama and understand how his wisdom emerged step by step from his experiences, you can begin with my book:
The Legendary Life of Shakyamuni Buddha: A Psychotherapist’s Journey Through the Life of the Buddha
Read it on Amazon:👉🏻https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0H6PZP52W
Have you ever experienced a moment like this?
—Something you carefully planned suddenly falls apart.
Something you desperately tried to hold on to slips through your fingers.
The life you worked so hard to control seems to disappear like flowing water.
What is happening?
Do we really need to control everything in order to feel safe?
Psychology has a concept known as a “sense of control.”
It refers to the belief that “I can exercise control over my life. I can influence my environment and what happens to me.”
When people possess this sense of control, they often find it easier to experience security and well-being.
Yet reality frequently moves in the opposite direction from our expectations.
Plans are interrupted. Relationships change. Emotions fluctuate. Our bodies age, and our physical and mental abilities change with time.
Sometimes, everything we try to control feels like sand slipping through our hands.
Buddhist wisdom offers a deeper and broader perspective.
The Buddha raised this psychological experience to the level of the nature of life itself. In Buddhism, this is called impermanence.
The story of the Buddha’s realization of impermanence begins with a flower.
More than 2,500 years ago, the young Siddhartha once saw a flower blooming in a garden.
He reached out, wanting to pick it and preserve its beauty and brilliance in his hand.
But a breeze passed through.
The petals fell, and in an instant, the flower began to wither.
Deeply moved, he murmured:
“Form is emptiness; emptiness is form.”
The meaning is that although the flower before us is beautiful, it has no permanent and unchanging nature. Its existence depends upon countless causes and conditions—sunlight, water, soil, wind, and more.
When the flower blooms, what we see is its visible “form”—its color, shape, fragrance, and delicate petals. These are all temporary manifestations.
Behind these appearances, impermanence and emptiness are already present.
In other words, the beauty of the flower—its form—and its impermanence and emptiness coexist. They cannot truly be separated.
Later, after Siddhartha left the palace to pursue a spiritual path, he encountered an elderly woman.
She said to him:
“When I was young, I too had beauty and wealth. Everyone admired me.
But now my beauty has faded, and my wealth is gone. It is like this river—the water that passes here today will be far away tomorrow.
Tell me, what can I truly control?”
Her words helped Siddhartha understand something more deeply:
Life itself is like flowing water. What we call “I” is only a temporary combination of body, sensations, and thoughts. There is no permanently fixed and unchanging self.
Suffering arises from our attachment to the idea that things should remain permanent and unchanged.
We cannot hold on to beauty, so we fear aging.
We cannot guarantee wealth, so we fear poverty.
We cannot hold on to relationships forever, so we suffer when we lose them. We cannot hold on to a permanent self, so we fear loneliness and emptiness.
All of this suffering arises because we try to hold tightly to things whose very nature is to flow and change, while ignoring the reality of impermanence and emptiness.
The Buddha therefore revealed:
Everything in this world is impermanent. The body flows like water; sensations move like wind through leaves; emotions, relationships, wealth, and beauty are constantly changing.
At a deeper level, what we call the “self” is not a permanent and unchanging entity either. It is only a temporary combination of the body, feelings, thoughts, consciousness, and many other conditions.
Only by recognizing impermanence and non-self can we begin to loosen our grip, see the roots of suffering, learn to let go, and experience inner freedom and liberation.
In other words, impermanence and non-self are not necessarily bad news.
They can become the entrance to the Noble Eightfold Path, awakening, and freedom.
When you understand impermanence, you begin to see that the uncontrollable changes of life are not necessarily disasters. They are part of the natural order of existence.
You no longer need to demand that everything unfold according to your wishes.
When you understand non-self, you begin to realize that the self itself is only a temporary combination of conditions.
You no longer need to cling so tightly to beliefs such as:
“I must be this way.”
“I can never be that way.”
“I should already be successful.”
“I must be exceptional.”
“I have to be perfect.”
As this attachment weakens, fear and craving begin to loosen as well.
From a psychological perspective, this is similar to learning to distinguish between what is controllable and what is uncontrollable.
For what cannot be controlled directly, we can use secondary control—adjusting our expectations, reconstructing meaning, and changing our emotional relationship to what has happened.
So stop being afraid of impermanence.
Stop believing that you must control everything.
Impermanence is not simply the destruction of stability.
It reveals the deepest nature of life itself—and opens the door toward a greater form of freedom and awakening.
In the constant movement of all things, you do not need to hold on to everything—and ultimately, you cannot.
Beauty will fade. Wealth will change hands. Relationships will change. And the self you are trying so hard to protect is itself a collection of countless changing thoughts and conditions.
If you would like to continue exploring these questions through Siddhartha’s life—how he encountered aging, illness, death, and impermanence, and how those experiences gradually shaped the wisdom that would influence the world for more than two thousand years—I explore that journey in:
The Legendary Life of Shakyamuni Buddha: A Psychotherapist’s Journey Through the Life of the Buddha
This is not only the story of the Buddha’s extraordinary life. It is also a journey into why we ourselves are so afraid of loss, change, and the things we cannot control.
Read it on Amazon:👉🏻https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0H6PZP52W
Read next
- What is Buddhist psychology?
- What is attachment in Buddhism?
- Heart Sutra meaning for anxiety and fear
- Applied Buddhist Psychology hub
- Buddhist Psychology hub
FAQ
What is impermanence in Buddhism?
Impermanence (anicca) means conditioned experiences change—body, moods, relationships, and circumstances. Suffering intensifies when the mind demands permanence from what cannot stay fixed.
Does accepting impermanence mean I should not plan?
No. Plan skillfully, hold plans lightly, and revise when reality moves. Control theater is different from responsible foresight.
How does impermanence reduce anxiety?
Anxiety often tries to freeze the future. Remembering change can soften catastrophic certainty—both “this will last forever and “I must lock it down now.”
Is this the same as “nothing matters”?
No. Because things change, care and timing matter more—not less. Ethics and kindness still count in each temporary moment.
What is one practice for control urges?
When you feel the urge to micromanage, ask: What am I trying to make permanent?” Then choose one action that supports the next hour, not the entire future.